What if you’ve never had an orgasm? Many women haven’t. To start, lose the guilt and disdain. Take up this great orgasm adventure. Remember, sex should be joyful and fun—a gift from God.
Like many of God’s gifts, though, misuse abounds. If you’ve had sexual trauma in your past—and so many have—please consider professional counseling. It isn’t something that simply gets better with time. It is a big deal. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t minimize the importance of it.
Past sexual trauma generally needs to be addressed and worked through over time. You will be amazed at how much your life improves if you have the courage to face past abuse.
If you’re a woman who doesn’t generally (or ever) experience orgasm, you probably have feelings of shame and guilt—as does your husband. Plus, you probably blame each other on some level. Start by working on the God-ordained practice of forgiveness.
Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself. In your daily prayers, mention this forgiveness specifically, almost as if you are trying to talk yourself into believing it. Forgiveness is rarely a one-time affair.
Jesus, who puzzled his followers with so many of his teachings, was clear about forgiveness: As you forgive others is how you will be forgiven.[1] For past sexual disappointments with your spouse, forgive. Remember to forgive yourself as well.
Vow to each other that you will start fresh. Learn to make love without anxiety or criticism. This aspect of marriage is the two of you versus everybody else. Build the special closeness, both inside and outside the bedroom. We’ll discuss romance and intimacy later, but that will be central to the improvement of your sex life.
Getting back to orgasms, understand that a man’s orgasm tends to be a mechanical event. Rub that penis and ejaculation likely follows. It doesn’t much matter who does the rubbing.
Female orgasms aren’t so automatic. Generally, the conditions must be right. Things like a romantic atmosphere, a loving, competent partner, and good lubrication up the odds for climax.
Try an orgasm training camp. Don’t make it a grim march to climax; make it a playful and fun exercise. Start with a few days of just exploring each other’s bodies with gentle caresses and massage.
Don’t climax or even focus on private parts. Just get naked and talk to each other about what feels good. Use lots of lubrication. Do it for as long as it is pleasing. Giggles are good here...just don’t point and giggle.
Then, try some sessions more focused on the genitalia. A great position for this exploration is the man sitting in bed with his back against the headboard. The woman sits between his legs, facing the same way, and leaning back against the man.
From this position, the man can easily caress breasts, thighs and other white meat. The woman can give some direction here for what feels good and what doesn’t.
Don’t go for an orgasm yet, just comfortably caress and learn. Again, make sure to use lots of lubrication. Keep the scene and the touches light.
At some point, getting close to orgasm won’t be enough and you’ll want to go ahead and finish. Don’t focus on it or make it the goal. Relax and enjoy the process. Consider mutual pleasure to keep things from getting too one-sided.
Also, since many of us had our first orgasm by our own hand, refer to the sections on female stimulation and masturbation in chapter 7. No one knows better what feels good to you than you.
Finally, don’t make orgasms the Holy Grail of your sex life. Some folks will never have an orgasm but can still have satisfying sex lives. The relationship, the connection, and the love weave together to make sex amazing. If it doesn’t end with a bang, a nice, long whimper can be nice too.
[1] Matthew 6:4