Clitoris Hunting

For men, the most important anatomical fact you will ever learn is the exact location of the clitoris. Found one inch above the entrance to the vagina, the clitoris has a pea sized head located at the end of a short shaft about one-inch in length. Unlike the penis, the clitoris doesn’t contain an opening for urination. That urethra opening is located between the vaginal opening and the clitoris.

An astounding number of men are clitoris-clueless and never get their spouse to orgasm. If you’re not sure of the exact location, find it during your next sexual escapade. Go on a hunting trip.

But before you start this excursion, let’s make sure you’ve got the right supplies. You need good lubrication, and options abound. KY Jelly remains an old standby. It is water based, cheap, and you can buy it at the grocery store. A more specialized silicon lube, such as Passion Lube, lubricates longer and feels less sticky. You can buy Passion Lube online through Amazon and at some drugstores.

Avoid oil based lubes like Vaseline. The oil clogs pores, limiting the vagina’s ability to cleanse itself and inviting infection. Oil lubes can also damage latex condoms, and they are sticky and gross. So pony up and get some decent personal lubricant to set for the ready on your nightstand.

Now, back to clitoris hunting. After some preliminaries (moving toward sexual arousal) take a well lubricated finger and find the vagina opening. We should all know where that is. Then move up the body slightly, just an inch or so, and feel that little shaft. It’ll feel like you’re running your finger over a coffee stirrer—or maybe a straw if she’s excited.

Gently touch the clitoris shaft and head. Go with a slow, gentle, lightly caressing motion. Be careful with this super-sensitive spot. You will likely feel it enlarge a bit (though it doesn’t on all women) and get harder (kind of like a penis).

Female Orgasms

While the clitoris has similarities to the penis, the next most important lesson, after finding it, is to realize how different it is from the penis. Masturbation for most men is about squeezing hard and going fast. So men naturally assume it’s the same for women. It’s not. Since there are so many more nerve endings in the clitoris than the penis, touch gently and vary the motion.

Another way women tend to be different from men is that when you hit the right motion and frequency on the clitoris (producing moans, words, hip motion, or increased natural lubrication) keep going exactly the way you are. Don’t change a thing; hang in there to orgasm and beyond.

A man masturbating would likely go harder and faster as orgasm approaches. Resist the urge to do that with a woman. Remember, when you hit the right spot and motion near orgasm, don’t change a thing.

For most women, clitoral stimulation will be the easiest mode to orgasm, so that’s a great place to start. Hopefully you’ll have years to experiment with other options. Some women climax from nipple play alone and a rare few can orgasm just by thinking (I’m glad I don’t have that superpower...I wouldn’t get much else done in life).

Learning the information above, which occurred decades into our marriage, greatly improved our sex life. Learning how to please each other seems simple but often isn’t. Many people struggle to talk about sex. Even with their spouses, folks are too embarrassed to talk.

Many married couples go decades having lousy sex until they finally get comfortable enough to talk through their issues. With some adjustments, these couples start having the best sex of their lives, even though their 40- or 50-year-old bodies wouldn’t win any beauty contests.

It got much better for them—and for Debby and me—and it can get better for you too. Don’t obsess about what could have happened in the past. Understand that the past shaped you (good and bad) for where you are now.

Don’t worry about what may happen in the future. You only have this present moment. You get to choose to make things better, to make things worse, or to do nothing. Choose better.

Cunnilingus

What do you see between a woman’s legs? Most folks would say the vagina. Most folks would be wrong, which shouldn’t surprise us. The “vulva” is the correct name for a woman’s external genital area.

The vulva includes:

1.     Mons Pubis or “Pubic Mound” is the rounded mass of fatty tissue atop the pubic bone and covered with pubic hair. The mons pubis is at the top of the vulva at the 12:00 position.

2.     Perineum or the “Taint” is the small, smooth, hairless area at the bottom of the vulva, located between the anus and the vagina opening. Located at the 6:00 position.

3.     Outer lips or “Labia Majora” are longitudinal skin folds that run from the mons pubis to the perineum. The outer lips are similar to the male scrotum and tend to have pubic hair. Located at the 3:00 and 9:00 positions.

4.     Inner lips or “Labia Minora” are flaps of skin, generally hairless, located inside the outer lips. The inner lips vary widely in size, color, and shape from woman to woman. The inner lips are similar to the male penile skin. Located at the 3:00 and 9:00 positions.

5.     Clitoral Hood is at the top of the inner lips and is similar to the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis. This small fold of skin protects or folds over the clitoris.

6.     Clitoris (pronounced CLIT-or-is or cli-Tor-is) is often quite small until stimulated, but then it may grow to ½ to 1” long. The tip or glans is extremely sensitive, more so than the head of a penis. The shaft is also sensitive.

7.     Urethral opening is located between the clitoris and the vagina, but you won’t find it unless you see a urine stream coming out of it. There is no real reason to find it; it is just good to know it’s there.

8.     Vagina opening: Generally, the outer and inner lips need to be spread apart to see the vagina opening. It is located at the center of the clock.

If you want to pleasure a woman, study all the parts of the vulva. Study it like you were planning to take a test. Then, experiment with stroking, licking, kissing, nibbling or blowing and find what she likes and what she doesn’t. One word of caution: never blow into the vaginal opening, you could introduce dangerous air bubbles into the blood.  

Some specific directions for a man to perform oral sex on a woman (AKA cunnilingus): First, what not to do. Don’t go in there lapping like a dog eating peanut butter. Remember the amazing sensitivity of the clitoris. Also, remember this isn’t a race to an orgasm. The goal is to give pleasure and enjoy doing it. Sometimes orgasms will follow from that, but don’t make that the goal. Don’t make the orgasm the measure of success.

Now that you’ve got the lay of the land, let’s cover some emotional issues surrounding the area. Many women struggle with how their vulvas look; they often think their vulva looks wrong, perhaps because it doesn’t look like what they’ve seen in magazines or videos. Vulvas can look incredibly different, and you should praise your partner’s vulva. Also take the opportunity to compliment the sweet smell. Cunnilingus uses all five senses. Learn to enjoy each of those senses and to let your wife know the specifics of what you’re enjoying sensually.

Now let’s dive into more detailed advice. Hopefully you’ve taken some time to explore and pleasure other parts of her body. Facing the situation, as it were, don’t just to stick out your tongue and say, “Ahhhh.” Consider some technique training.

Put your hand in front of your face and imagine it’s a vulva (you now know the parts). Lick your palm imagining the vulva. Feel silly? Great. It’s good for the soul to feel a little silly sometimes.

So what’s the first thing you notice when you lick your palm? You probably wonder where to start and how to lick. Then, after you start licking you’ll notice how quickly your tongue gets dry. A dry tongue produces too much friction. Remember to keep dipping it back in your mouth for more saliva. Think “fountain pen.”

Now try to vary the hardness of your tongue. You can use a broad, relaxed tongue for a gentle stroke or a more pointed, tensed tongue for a hard stroke. If this all sounds like French to you, well, it is.

Then try various stroke types:

1.     Up only (not licking on the down stroke)

2.     Down only (not licking on the up stroke)

3.     Up and down (licking on both strokes)

4.     Side to side (licking on both strokes)

5.     Circular

6.     Geometric shapes

7.     Alphabet letter shapes

My favorite multi-tasking event for my Type A personality came from doing alphabet letter shapes. I was planning a trip to Russia and learning to speak some basic Russian. This study involved learning the Cyrillic alphabet, which is similar to the English alphabet but has a bunch of different letters. So I’d trace those letters with my tongue on my lover’s clitoris, giving pleasure while learning Russian. And yes, I know I’m a weirdo.

Searching For That First Orgasm?

What if you’ve never had an orgasm? Many women haven’t. To start, lose the guilt and disdain. Take up this great orgasm adventure. Remember, sex should be joyful and fun—a gift from God.

Like many of God’s gifts, though, misuse abounds. If you’ve had sexual trauma in your past—and so many have—please consider professional counseling. It isn’t something that simply gets better with time. It is a big deal. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t minimize the importance of it.

Past sexual trauma generally needs to be addressed and worked through over time. You will be amazed at how much your life improves if you have the courage to face past abuse.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t generally (or ever) experience orgasm, you probably have feelings of shame and guilt—as does your husband. Plus, you probably blame each other on some level. Start by working on the God-ordained practice of forgiveness.

Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself. In your daily prayers, mention this forgiveness specifically, almost as if you are trying to talk yourself into believing it. Forgiveness is rarely a one-time affair.

Jesus, who puzzled his followers with so many of his teachings, was clear about forgiveness: As you forgive others is how you will be forgiven.[1] For past sexual disappointments with your spouse, forgive. Remember to forgive yourself as well.

Vow to each other that you will start fresh. Learn to make love without anxiety or criticism. This aspect of marriage is the two of you versus everybody else. Build the special closeness, both inside and outside the bedroom. We’ll discuss romance and intimacy later, but that will be central to the improvement of your sex life.

Getting back to orgasms, understand that a man’s orgasm tends to be a mechanical event. Rub that penis and ejaculation likely follows. It doesn’t much matter who does the rubbing.

Female orgasms aren’t so automatic. Generally, the conditions must be right. Things like a romantic atmosphere, a loving, competent partner, and good lubrication up the odds for climax.

Try an orgasm training camp. Don’t make it a grim march to climax; make it a playful and fun exercise. Start with a few days of just exploring each other’s bodies with gentle caresses and massage.

Don’t climax or even focus on private parts. Just get naked and talk to each other about what feels good. Use lots of lubrication. Do it for as long as it is pleasing. Giggles are good here...just don’t point and giggle.

Then, try some sessions more focused on the genitalia. A great position for this exploration is the man sitting in bed with his back against the headboard. The woman sits between his legs, facing the same way, and leaning back against the man.

From this position, the man can easily caress breasts, thighs and other white meat. The woman can give some direction here for what feels good and what doesn’t.

Don’t go for an orgasm yet, just comfortably caress and learn. Again, make sure to use lots of lubrication. Keep the scene and the touches light.

At some point, getting close to orgasm won’t be enough and you’ll want to go ahead and finish. Don’t focus on it or make it the goal. Relax and enjoy the process. Consider mutual pleasure to keep things from getting too one-sided.

Also, since many of us had our first orgasm by our own hand, refer to the sections on female stimulation and masturbation in chapter 7. No one knows better what feels good to you than you.

Finally, don’t make orgasms the Holy Grail of your sex life. Some folks will never have an orgasm but can still have satisfying sex lives. The relationship, the connection, and the love weave together to make sex amazing. If it doesn’t end with a bang, a nice, long whimper can be nice too.

[1] Matthew 6:4

Female Stimulation

Let’s start with female stimulation and quotes from The Guide to Getting it On:

Men make a big mistake when they forget to give their fingers a sense of humor. Fingertips that tease and dance will find an especially warm welcome between a woman’s legs...It’s not a dish of salted peanuts down there, don’t just grab and hope for the best.[1]

Let's review our graphic:

1.     Vagina opening is at the center of the clock

2.     Mons Pubis at 12:00

3.     Perineum (located between vagina and anus) at 6:00

4.     Outer lips and inner lips on either side

5.     Clitoral hood located at the top of the inner lips

6.     Clitoris under the hood

Seriously, can you draw this picture? Grab a pen and blank paper and let’s play a little game of erotic Pictionary. If you want to see my sketch, go to GreatSexChristianStyle.com and have a gander.

So, we know the terrain; let’s discuss objectives. Best to start with what your objectives aren’t. You aren’t on an orgasm race. Don’t go right to the clitoris and start rubbing. You will be tempted to do that, because that’s how most men masturbate: grab it hard and whack it good. Not to put too fine a point on this, but DON’T DO THIS TO A WOMAN.

Great sex will be spontaneous and creative. It will be different every time. But the basics remain the basics. When approaching hand play in the vulva area, the clitoris should be one of the last things you touch. In fact, don’t even start in the vulva area. How about I give you a play-by-play of just one way to get there?

Start by offering to give her a massage. A massage is rarely turned down, even if the offer is clearly and wildly self-serving. Rub her back gently over her shirt, then begin kneading the muscles a bit harder. Ask what feels good and what hurts. After massaging longer than you want to, ask if you can take off her blouse and bra and start your skin on skin massage. Baby powder or massage oil work well here, but neither is required.

Make sure to work the shoulder and neck muscles. Rub down her arms and massage each hand and finger. Take your time; enjoy making her feel good.

Then start massaging her scalp. This is one of the keys to a great sensual massage: work through her hair rubbing her temples, the back, top, and front of her head, and down the neck.

Now massage down her back a bit and remove her pants and panties. Rub her butt and down each leg. Rub her feet, taking as much time with her feet as you did with her scalp. 

When you complete each foot, go over her entire backside from scalp to back. Lightly and playfully touch and rub all the way up and down her naked back.

Then, help her turn over to lay on her back. Resist the temptation to dive right into your favorite part. Instead, start to massage her scalp again, which will feel different from this position. Gently rub her forehead, temples, cheeks, lips, chin, etc. This face massage should be relaxing and loving.

Tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky you feel to be with her. Then kiss her. Kiss her like you would if you were still in high school. Have fun making out for a while, then get back to massage.

Rub her shoulders, her arms, her hands, her chest, and her breasts. Gently rub her nipples and...wait a second, take a deep breath and calm down.

Move away from her breasts. Massage your way down her belly, understanding that many people tend to be embarrassed by their stomachs. Don’t go to the vulva yet. Work your way down each leg. Again, provide a good quad, knee, calf, and foot massage. Then tickle, touch, tease, and massage your way back up to the vulva.

Even now, don’t go right to the clitoris. Kneeling between her legs, start with a genital massage. Gently knead and rub around the clock face. Massage the mons pubis, thigh/outer lips, perineum, thigh/outer lips and back to the Mons pubis. Maybe make a few passes around there, slowly working your way toward the center.

Hopefully this sensual massage has her aroused. You may find plenty of natural lubrication down there or you may need to add some lube. Make sure not to touch the clitoris without plenty of “slipperiness.”

Considering the need for lubrication on the clitoris: think about going down a waterslide that isn’t wet…unpleasant, right? Don’t stroke a dry clitoris.

The actual clitoral stimulation that feels best for your partner will vary. Try a light circular motion or an up stroke and a down stroke or a few fingers gently brushing upwards along the entire vulva. Try gently squeezing, rolling, or tapping. Again, take your time. Have fun. Try to determine if she’s having fun.

One way to assess her arousal is to check for lubrication. Female lubrication varies. It varies a lot. Some women will produce a geyser of lubrication when they are aroused and others will remain dry. That varies further with the timing of the menstrual cycle and in menopause. As always, remember the importance of good lubrication, whether naturally produced or Passion Lube, saliva, KY Jelly, etc.

Ask her to tell you what feels good, but don’t be surprised if she won’t. Many women struggle to put their sexual feelings into words—probably from generations of inherited ideas that women should only act as sperm receptacles.

So here’s an opportunity to not be a jerk. Your first assumption may be that she knows exactly what she wants or likes and won’t tell you out of some spite. While that may happen sometimes, the more likely truth is that what she’s feeling is so complex, she doesn’t have easy answers to your questions.

Without being too sexist, it’s fair to acknowledge that the female body and brain are more complex than the male. The plumbing necessary to have children (and the circuitry to nurture the little beggars as they scream late at night) makes for more complexity. Try to remember during sex, and in all your other interactions, that the female is in many ways fundamentally different from the male. Hopefully you’re appreciating some of them during sex.

Ok, jumping off my pulpit and back to the hand work illustration. The instructions above give you some ideas to try, but the joy of great sex comes from variation. You’re not opening a safe here; you’re trying to love and connect with a God-created woman. Have fun with the options and possibilities. Here are a few other things to consider in the play:

Ask her to show you how she masturbates. Rest your hand above hers to gain a tactile understanding. You may want to try this while lying beside her so your hand works the same way hers does in that position.

Now let’s consider vaginal penetration. Think of the vagina as a 4” long tube, like a cardboard toilet paper roll. Don’t just go jamming your fingers in there like a piston. Again, try to be subtle. Go in one finger joint deep and gently touch at the 12:00 position, then work around the clock face.

Remember the vagina has pleasure receptors that are pressure-sensitive, so try varying pressures and motions to see what feels good to her. Keep in mind that the first third of the vagina tends to be most sensitive (great news for small penised men everywhere). You may then want to try going two finger joints deep. Remember to be playful. See what works. Have fun.

While you’re in there, you’re going to want to see if massaging her G spot causes pleasure or discomfort. It varies widely between women, so discard your pre-conceived notion and discover her truth.

To find the G spot area, massage the top of the vaginal wall with a “Come here” motion. Using one or two fingers in the vagina, making gentle upward circles, will locate that somewhat rough patch called the G spot. Another way to find the G spot is to put your thumb on her clitoris, insert your index finger and rub the rough spot on the upper vaginal wall.

For me, though, it seems a bit like trying reach up through the front grill of a car to open the hood latch. I’m in there feeling around but never seem to get the hood open. Don’t fixate on the G Spot unless it works for her.

Back to the general topic of female stimulation. I’ve emphasized gentle touching and restrained hand play. You may find, though, that your partner likes two or three fingers in there (or even a fist) and some intense jamming. There are no rules for hand play, though you should go for subtlety until you learn otherwise.

If the info above is Female Stimulation 101 and you want to try a higher level course, check out a website completely dedicated to research and instruction for female orgasms: OMGYes.com.[2] They have videos and detailed instructions for the following strategies:

1.     Edging: bringing about a bigger orgasm by approaching & denying

2.     Hinting: passing by and only occasionally indulging

3.     Consistency: keeping everything exactly the same

4.     Surprise: defying expectation to enhance pleasure

5.     Rhythm: a well-timed, almost musical, loop of motion

6.     Multiples: overcoming sensitivity to build multiple orgasms

7.     Accenting: paying extra attention to part of a motion

8.     Framing: how pleasure is mostly between the ears

9.     Layering: indirect pleasure through surrounding skin

10.  Staging: ways sensitivity changes over time

11.  Orbiting: the million ways of circling the clit

12.  Signaling: styles of giving and receiving feedback

For a reasonable fee, you can get detailed instructions and listen to testimonials from women about each of these methods. Whether you’re pre-orgasmic or just want more and better orgasms, I recommend you and your spouse give this a try.

[1] Paul Joannides, Guide to Getting It On: A Book About the Wonders of Sex (Oregon: Goofy Foot Press, 2014), 206.

[2] https://www.omgyes.com/. I signed up by paying a one-time fee of $29.99 and had immediate access to all the videos and instructions on the 12 techniques. Everything on the website was impressive.