Let’s start with female stimulation and quotes from The Guide to Getting it On:
Men make a big mistake when they forget to give their fingers a sense of humor. Fingertips that tease and dance will find an especially warm welcome between a woman’s legs...It’s not a dish of salted peanuts down there, don’t just grab and hope for the best.[1]
Let's review our graphic:
1. Vagina opening is at the center of the clock
2. Mons Pubis at 12:00
3. Perineum (located between vagina and anus) at 6:00
4. Outer lips and inner lips on either side
5. Clitoral hood located at the top of the inner lips
6. Clitoris under the hood
Seriously, can you draw this picture? Grab a pen and blank paper and let’s play a little game of erotic Pictionary. If you want to see my sketch, go to GreatSexChristianStyle.com and have a gander.
So, we know the terrain; let’s discuss objectives. Best to start with what your objectives aren’t. You aren’t on an orgasm race. Don’t go right to the clitoris and start rubbing. You will be tempted to do that, because that’s how most men masturbate: grab it hard and whack it good. Not to put too fine a point on this, but DON’T DO THIS TO A WOMAN.
Great sex will be spontaneous and creative. It will be different every time. But the basics remain the basics. When approaching hand play in the vulva area, the clitoris should be one of the last things you touch. In fact, don’t even start in the vulva area. How about I give you a play-by-play of just one way to get there?
Start by offering to give her a massage. A massage is rarely turned down, even if the offer is clearly and wildly self-serving. Rub her back gently over her shirt, then begin kneading the muscles a bit harder. Ask what feels good and what hurts. After massaging longer than you want to, ask if you can take off her blouse and bra and start your skin on skin massage. Baby powder or massage oil work well here, but neither is required.
Make sure to work the shoulder and neck muscles. Rub down her arms and massage each hand and finger. Take your time; enjoy making her feel good.
Then start massaging her scalp. This is one of the keys to a great sensual massage: work through her hair rubbing her temples, the back, top, and front of her head, and down the neck.
Now massage down her back a bit and remove her pants and panties. Rub her butt and down each leg. Rub her feet, taking as much time with her feet as you did with her scalp.
When you complete each foot, go over her entire backside from scalp to back. Lightly and playfully touch and rub all the way up and down her naked back.
Then, help her turn over to lay on her back. Resist the temptation to dive right into your favorite part. Instead, start to massage her scalp again, which will feel different from this position. Gently rub her forehead, temples, cheeks, lips, chin, etc. This face massage should be relaxing and loving.
Tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky you feel to be with her. Then kiss her. Kiss her like you would if you were still in high school. Have fun making out for a while, then get back to massage.
Rub her shoulders, her arms, her hands, her chest, and her breasts. Gently rub her nipples and...wait a second, take a deep breath and calm down.
Move away from her breasts. Massage your way down her belly, understanding that many people tend to be embarrassed by their stomachs. Don’t go to the vulva yet. Work your way down each leg. Again, provide a good quad, knee, calf, and foot massage. Then tickle, touch, tease, and massage your way back up to the vulva.
Even now, don’t go right to the clitoris. Kneeling between her legs, start with a genital massage. Gently knead and rub around the clock face. Massage the mons pubis, thigh/outer lips, perineum, thigh/outer lips and back to the Mons pubis. Maybe make a few passes around there, slowly working your way toward the center.
Hopefully this sensual massage has her aroused. You may find plenty of natural lubrication down there or you may need to add some lube. Make sure not to touch the clitoris without plenty of “slipperiness.”
Considering the need for lubrication on the clitoris: think about going down a waterslide that isn’t wet…unpleasant, right? Don’t stroke a dry clitoris.
The actual clitoral stimulation that feels best for your partner will vary. Try a light circular motion or an up stroke and a down stroke or a few fingers gently brushing upwards along the entire vulva. Try gently squeezing, rolling, or tapping. Again, take your time. Have fun. Try to determine if she’s having fun.
One way to assess her arousal is to check for lubrication. Female lubrication varies. It varies a lot. Some women will produce a geyser of lubrication when they are aroused and others will remain dry. That varies further with the timing of the menstrual cycle and in menopause. As always, remember the importance of good lubrication, whether naturally produced or Passion Lube, saliva, KY Jelly, etc.
Ask her to tell you what feels good, but don’t be surprised if she won’t. Many women struggle to put their sexual feelings into words—probably from generations of inherited ideas that women should only act as sperm receptacles.
So here’s an opportunity to not be a jerk. Your first assumption may be that she knows exactly what she wants or likes and won’t tell you out of some spite. While that may happen sometimes, the more likely truth is that what she’s feeling is so complex, she doesn’t have easy answers to your questions.
Without being too sexist, it’s fair to acknowledge that the female body and brain are more complex than the male. The plumbing necessary to have children (and the circuitry to nurture the little beggars as they scream late at night) makes for more complexity. Try to remember during sex, and in all your other interactions, that the female is in many ways fundamentally different from the male. Hopefully you’re appreciating some of them during sex.
Ok, jumping off my pulpit and back to the hand work illustration. The instructions above give you some ideas to try, but the joy of great sex comes from variation. You’re not opening a safe here; you’re trying to love and connect with a God-created woman. Have fun with the options and possibilities. Here are a few other things to consider in the play:
Ask her to show you how she masturbates. Rest your hand above hers to gain a tactile understanding. You may want to try this while lying beside her so your hand works the same way hers does in that position.
Now let’s consider vaginal penetration. Think of the vagina as a 4” long tube, like a cardboard toilet paper roll. Don’t just go jamming your fingers in there like a piston. Again, try to be subtle. Go in one finger joint deep and gently touch at the 12:00 position, then work around the clock face.
Remember the vagina has pleasure receptors that are pressure-sensitive, so try varying pressures and motions to see what feels good to her. Keep in mind that the first third of the vagina tends to be most sensitive (great news for small penised men everywhere). You may then want to try going two finger joints deep. Remember to be playful. See what works. Have fun.
While you’re in there, you’re going to want to see if massaging her G spot causes pleasure or discomfort. It varies widely between women, so discard your pre-conceived notion and discover her truth.
To find the G spot area, massage the top of the vaginal wall with a “Come here” motion. Using one or two fingers in the vagina, making gentle upward circles, will locate that somewhat rough patch called the G spot. Another way to find the G spot is to put your thumb on her clitoris, insert your index finger and rub the rough spot on the upper vaginal wall.
For me, though, it seems a bit like trying reach up through the front grill of a car to open the hood latch. I’m in there feeling around but never seem to get the hood open. Don’t fixate on the G Spot unless it works for her.
Back to the general topic of female stimulation. I’ve emphasized gentle touching and restrained hand play. You may find, though, that your partner likes two or three fingers in there (or even a fist) and some intense jamming. There are no rules for hand play, though you should go for subtlety until you learn otherwise.
If the info above is Female Stimulation 101 and you want to try a higher level course, check out a website completely dedicated to research and instruction for female orgasms: OMGYes.com.[2] They have videos and detailed instructions for the following strategies:
1. Edging: bringing about a bigger orgasm by approaching & denying
2. Hinting: passing by and only occasionally indulging
3. Consistency: keeping everything exactly the same
4. Surprise: defying expectation to enhance pleasure
5. Rhythm: a well-timed, almost musical, loop of motion
6. Multiples: overcoming sensitivity to build multiple orgasms
7. Accenting: paying extra attention to part of a motion
8. Framing: how pleasure is mostly between the ears
9. Layering: indirect pleasure through surrounding skin
10. Staging: ways sensitivity changes over time
11. Orbiting: the million ways of circling the clit
12. Signaling: styles of giving and receiving feedback
For a reasonable fee, you can get detailed instructions and listen to testimonials from women about each of these methods. Whether you’re pre-orgasmic or just want more and better orgasms, I recommend you and your spouse give this a try.
[1] Paul Joannides, Guide to Getting It On: A Book About the Wonders of Sex (Oregon: Goofy Foot Press, 2014), 206.
[2] https://www.omgyes.com/. I signed up by paying a one-time fee of $29.99 and had immediate access to all the videos and instructions on the 12 techniques. Everything on the website was impressive.