Have you ever had a burning question about God or Sex that you were just too embarrassed to ask?
DEAR NEDDY,
I'm feeling blue. I don't feel like having sex or doing much of anything else. I hesitate to use the "D" word, but mostly want to just stay in bed. I do push myself to get up and do the work, family and friend things I should, but I'm uninspired. What can I do to get the spark back?
-HUMDRUM IN HELENA
DEAR HUMMER,
You are not alone! The shorter, colder days (particularly in Helena, MT) contribute to apathy in many folks. Here are some brain hacks that work.
- Speak your gratitude. Tell a friend (or say it out loud to yourself) all the things that make you feel blessed. Listing the things that make you grateful will bring a smile and course dopamine through your brain.
- Speak your negative emotions. Rather than just feeling bad, use words to describe those feelings. Say if you are angry or scared or bored or jealous or lonely. The power of your emotion diminishes when spoken and understood.
- Decide to do one good thing. You can't change everything at once, but you can make one decision to do one thing you will enjoy. Make that decision!
By the way, I used an article by Eric Barker about neuroscience and happiness to help create that list. Search for it if you want to read more by him.
But do try this 3 step approach. You can use it anytime, anywhere and it moves you in the right direction. You'll be knocking boots in no time!
DEAR NEDDY,
I have a gay sister that won’t talk to me. I told her years ago that her lifestyle was an abomination to God. I wish I hadn’t used those words, but I did. We have never spoken since. I can’t believe that God’s plan for us is to never speak again. Yet I need to be true to my faith. What can I do?
-SAD AND LONELY
DEAR S&L,
You are certainly not alone in this challenging situation. So many Christians have estranged relations with LGBTQ relatives and feel that sadness. I encourage you to prayerfully read chapters 2, 6 and 8 of Great Sex, Christian Style. I believe you will determine a better way forward for you and your sister.
DEAR NEDDY,
Your book would be an ABSOLUTE waste of my time! My wife and I are in our 50s and she has ABSOLUTELY no interest in sex. She gets EXTREMELY UPSET if the topic even comes up. We are devout believers, not going to divorce, so I guess that's my lot in life?
--BLUE BALLED IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BLUE,
What's the rest of your relationship like? Are you loving and kind to each other? Do you laugh together? If you generally have a close and loving relationship, find a counselor. Have the patience to go deep with your counselor about past sexual trauma or to uncover the many other issues that may be in play. Be gentle but firm about how important therapy could be for you both. On the other hand, if emotional distance defines your marriage, it's hard to imagine counseling changing everything. If you just don't like each other, then that's the marriage you've got. I don't think I'd live like that, but you get to decide how you live.
DEAR NEDDY,
I have good sex with my wife – and I do my best to give her pleasure. But once we get into it, I tend to be a little short on the endurance side. She claims to not mind – but I want to do better.
-TRYING IN TULSA
DEAR TRYING,
The ability to last longer is a wonderful social skill. Like most skills, it takes some work on your part. I break it down into two parts. After penetration, it all feels so good. And you probably feel so lucky to be with a naked girl and actually having sex (a throwback to your earliest sex encounters), that you could easily finish immediately. For this first stage, consider distracting yourself a bit to get your mind off that evolutionary desire to just get it done. If you can move into stage two, you actually do the opposite. You pay attention to how good your penis feels, you enjoy the lovemaking and doing things that satisfy you both. But as you are paying attention, you notice when you are getting near to blast off. You calibrate your penis to know when to change things up to avoid finishing before you want. It may sound hard, but you’ve got lots of time to practice and the results will delight you both.
DEAR NEDDY,
I’m married to my husband for many years and he’s a good man. I can feel that he’s getting more frustrated with our sex life. We have sex every few months and he’d like it to be much more often. I love him but he’s just a terrible lover. He jumps from one thing to another and then finishes very quickly. His lovemaking just makes me feel sad and used and I don’t want to do it. How can I keep my husband and my sanity?
-NOT FEELING THE EARTH MOVE
DEAR EARTHY,
The next time he indicates a desire to get frisky, surprise him by agreeing and then suggesting you try something different. Tell him, “Let’s just use our hands and let’s go slow.” Take a long time till you get each other’s clothes off. Then don’t just rush to finish him with a hand job, but go slow and change things up. Then have him sit with his back to the headboard and spread his legs. Then you sit with your back to his chest. Show him how to gently caress you in a way that brings you pleasure. Maybe use a vibrator if you’re comfortable with that. If you can get over the embarrassment, you can teach him what you like and figure some way that works for you both.
Have you ever had a burning question about God or Sex that you were just too embarrassed to ask?
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