A few years ago, I was teaching an adult Sunday School class and asked folks to raise their hands to indicate their normal frequency of sex. I told them the options would be:
1. Every day or two
2. Two or three times a week
3. Weekly
4. Monthly
5. Less often than monthly
I still remember the shocked look on their faces as I explained the survey. Then I watched those faces burst into laughter when I reminded them that the date on this fine Sunday morning was April 1st.
So how often do you have sex? Do you worry it’s more (or less) than normal? That isn’t an easy question for many couples. If the frequency of sex plagues your marriage, consider the concept of “the power of less desire.” The person who wants less sex has a stronger negotiating position. The person requesting sex spends some of his or her relationship capital in the request. The less enthusiastic spouse has several options in response:
1. Deny the request
2. Postpone the request
3. Agree to participate with little effort
4. Agree to participate and try to find enthusiasm in the process
Each one of these is or can be a valid response. As you and your spouse work through these struggles, remember to love and forgive each other as best you can.
You shouldn’t look to what works for others as the deciding factor for what will work for you and your spouse. You could have sex twice a day or twice a decade and still be at the right frequency for your relationship. Strive to find the intercourse rate that you both can be happy with.
Let’s end this chapter by thinking about what makes intercourse great. If your answer is simultaneous orgasms, you’re probably not going to feel successful most of the time. Take it down a level; there’s a natural tendency to think intercourse a success if both parties orgasm, but there is usually more pride than love in that definition. I challenge you to let go of that orgasm attachment.
If you define success not in orgasms but in serving and loving each other, you will grow better in your relationship with God and each other. That’s the real point of this mystery we call life.