The Ins and Outs of Intercourse

Most books trying to improve your sex life go all KamaSutra when discussing intercourse, giving lots of positions for you to try. While I’m certainly a fan of weird positions, I take a different tactic in this chapter. The Guide to Getting it On has a chapter titled, “Intercourse: Horizontal Jogging,” which provides lots of surprising information on copulation. [1]

The Insertion


Honesty time: many men struggle to get their penis smoothly inserted in the vagina. There are lots of things to bump up against down there that aren’t the vagina—lots of missing going on. So it’s not necessarily a learning disability if the man still fumbles around down there after perhaps 5,000 lovemaking experiences with the same women...though in my case, it probably is.

Anyway, coming in at the wrong angle or poking the vaginal wall can be painful for the woman (men, think jab to testicles). Some women help glide the penis in for a smooth landing. I suppose if most men can’t consistently hit the toilet bowl while urinating, it’s no surprise we have a tendency to miss the vagina. If missing is an issue for you, talk about it, laugh about it, and keep trying. Even a blind hog roots up an acorn once in a while.

Now let’s think about when to insert that penis in the passion process. There seems to be a natural tendency among men to want to get right to it. “I’m ready, she looks hot, let’s go! And hey, what if that big asteroid hits the Earth in the next 30 seconds or I have a heart attack, or worse...the loss of an erection. Let’s get this thing done!”

Fortunately, as Christian men, we know that resisting or, at the very least, being somewhat patient about our urges to do what comes natural is part of our spiritual growth. The “ground and pound” approach may work for monkeys and porn stars, but it’s not what we’re shooting for.

On the other hand, great sex doesn’t come from following a bunch of rules. Great sex connects us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s a wonderful dance that varies all the time. Sometimes the penis can go in early and there’s a beautiful closeness in simply rocking together. Other times lots of foreplay brings you both to the edge and intercourse is the grand finale, and a trillion other possibilities.

The only rule regarding penis insertion is don’t shove into a dry vagina. Either wait for her natural lubrication system to kick in or use a lubricant. The natural lubrication system is different for every woman, so don’t think of using lube as “cheating.” You should always have a favorite lube nearby.

A surprising pattern having to do with insertion comes from an extensive sex survey.[2] Many women in the survey stated that their favorite part of intercourse was the penetration and first thrust. Men, discuss this with your lover and get into the specifics. Find out if she likes:

1.     a teasing series of short ins and outs, when you’re barely inside the vagina;

2.     a slow and steady push all the way in;

3.     or perhaps she likes a big and hard pound from the beginning.

Her preference probably varies, but if she has a favorite, you should learn it and work it into the line-up. This is also a great opportunity for the woman to find what the man likes to feel upon insertion. Asking him to do what feels wonderful or pulling him in a certain way can increase your collective erotic experience.

Here’s another vital piece of intelligence:

Of the five thousand women who have taken our sex survey, the VAST majority either need finger stimulation on their clit or they grind their clitoris into the pubic bone of their partner in order to have orgasms during intercourse. Few have orgasms from thrusting alone.[3]

During intercourse, keep the clitoris in mind. Perhaps you will consider sliding your penis between the labia and rub the clitoris. She might really enjoy a gentle sliding motion. She can use her hand to rub it exactly where she wants to be rubbed, giving you some extra stimulation as well. Think of it like sliding a hot dog into a bun.

She could also squeeze her legs together to create more pressure, or she can spread her legs wide apart.

Since men often control the thrusting in intercourse, they have an opportunity to be creative and really pleasure their partners. Most men just pound away, wasting this occasion for distinction. Don’t be that guy. Here are some thrusting options to try:

1.     Peek the Head Inside: Use shallow and slow strokes. Pull out often and slide along the labia.

2.     Three Shorts and a Long One: Go with three slow short strokes, then one luxurious long stroke. Then repeat. Pretend you are doing Morse Code and sending the letter V over and over. In fact, maybe learn all the letters and send her a message in code. (Hopefully that kind of advice reminds you this book was written by an engineer.)

3.     Five to Nine Shorts and a Long One: If you want to go more old school, Tantric masters recommend between five and nine shallow thrusts for every deep thrust. Perhaps bring the ratio down to 1:1 as arousal increases.[4]

4.     Variations: Try hip swivels, side to side motions, and or simply rocking together.

5.     Public Bone: The pubic bone rub creates some wonderful sensations. When the man is on top, he can move up a bit from his normal position and rub his pubic bone against her clitoris. Gently grind, pleasuring the clitoris while the penis fills the vagina. This is a great variation on the Missionary position.

6.     Angles: If the above variations work well, see if any other penis angles provide extra pleasure for you and your lover. Gently experiment with different angles and see if you can find a winner.

7.     Understand the Cervix Bump: When the penis hits her cervix, it can cause excruciating pain. If this is a problem, consider a penis ring (reducing depth of penetration) or positions that change the penis angle and penetration depth. Know that the cervix tends to rise a bit with arousal. Simply waiting for a beat upon entry before a deep thrust may solve the problem.[5]

Women can also take the lead in mattress dancing by being on top or by grabbing his hips while he is on top. The woman can perpetrate the items above and plenty more. Most men are thrilled when a woman demonstrates what she likes and wants in sex. 

[1] Paul Joannides, Guide to Getting it On. This book provides more useful detail than any other I’ve found. Though some may find the tone offensive and the nearly 1200 pages overwhelming, I highly recommend it if you want to learn more about sex.

[2] Guide to Getting it On, 341.

[3] Guide to Getting it On, 346.

[4] Guide to Getting It On, 348-349.

[5] Guide to Getting It On, 346.