Now let’s move on to the most common male problem in sex: Premature Ejaculation (PE). If you’re a Minute Man but not fighting for your country’s independence, pay attention.
I remember all too clearly my early sexual encounters where I came before even getting inside or within the first few strokes. It was so embarrassing.
Of course, as a young man, I was ready for action again in short order so it wasn’t a total failure. The next rounds tended to go better. When I learned more about sex, though, I realized I could practice some techniques to delay my ejaculation.
I’m a numbers guy. The technique that always works for me is to count backward from 100 to zero, then up to 100 in Spanish. That couple minutes of focusing on something other than how good intercourse feels helps me last as long as I want. (By the way, I don’t count out loud.)
You may find success reciting Bible verses or poetry in your head, or use the old standby of thinking about baseball. Here’s a story that illustrates the concept:
An old guy walks a donkey on a lead rope down the road, and the donkey decides to stop. The man tries to drag, push and whip the donkey into moving again, but it doesn’t get that donkey moving. So the old guy picks up a handful of gravel and feeds it to the donkey. The donkey chews, showing those big teeth and trying to get that nasty tasting gravel out of his mouth. As he chews, the donkey begins walking forward again.
A stranger asks the old man, “Do you mean to tell me that feeding that donkey gravel made him walk?” The old timer responds, “Nah, it chust changed the current of his thinking.”
I’m the jackass in the story. Counting changes my thinking and allows me to keep going during intercourse. When I distract myself at the beginning, I go from a sex sprinter to more leisurely enjoying the activity.
Thinking about baseball doesn’t work for me, but counting does, and one or the other might work for you. Experiment and determine if a couple minutes of unmindful thinking works for you. If not, what else can you do?
As I studied literature on the subject, I found a few things that seem a good idea to avoid. Desensitizing creams don’t seem helpful and have the added disadvantage of potentially desensitizing your spouse’s pleasure.
Medication may have lousy side effects. Many sex therapists write about the squeeze technique—getting close to ejaculation and then pinching hard on the end of the penis. From what I’ve read, it works for the short term but rarely solves the real problem. And who wants the end of their penis pinched? Unless you do...then have at it.
The technique that does seem to work for tough cases of PE could be given the name “Being Mindful About Your Penis.” Rather than thinking about baseball or road kill or counting in a foreign language, the man should pay full attention to how his penis feels.
If you describe your penis as feeling “hard,” you are describing what your hand feels when you touch your penis. “Tingly” or “throbbing” or “exploding” are examples of words that describe how your penis feels during intercourse.
The common method for lasting longer during sex involves trying to minimize the sensation that feels good. The man may thrust less, the woman may feel like she needs to lie there quietly so as not to over-stimulate him. That’s a poor recipe for fun.
If that is your current approach, try being mindful instead. Pay more attention to how your penis feels. Put your feeling on a scale from 0 to 10 with 0 being absolutely no arousal and 10 being orgasmic.
Now it’s hand job time—not the normal rush-to-finish hand job, but a slow job. If your spouse is a good sport, have her lube up her hand and your penis and start caressing.
Most men with PE go from a 3 to 10 quickly. That’s what you want to avoid. Work your way up to a 6 or 7, then back it off. Work back up and back it off again. Have fun with it. Talk about what number you’re at and how you feel. Eventually, try to stay at a 6 or 7 for 15 or 20 minutes. Then, finish the deed, and be sure to offer to return the favor.
The man should learn to recognize the point of no return. Let’s call that point a 9. When you get to a 9, nothing short of an amputated finger will keep you from ejaculating.[1] You want to be able to recognize when you get to 8 and 8.5, because once you hit 9, you will immediately move to 10 and “spill your seed upon the ground.”[2]
The woman should probably stop caressing the penis when you tell her you are at an 8 and massage something else. Give the man 30 seconds to move back from 8 to 5, then start again. The word for this process is “edging,” as in “getting close to the edge of the cliff, then stepping back.”
By the way, don’t worry about erections in this process. You may be hard from 3 and up, or you may only really get hard at 8. It doesn’t matter. The less you think about your erection, the better.
After several sessions of hand-calibrating your penis, you will want to try to go live. Make sure plenty of lubrication is involved, take your time, and pay attention to how your penis feels. If you get to 8, you may want to pull out for a bit and make love in some other way. Change things up. Have fun. Remember to breathe and relax. Try some deep breathing. You can do this.
One last thing: If you struggle with PE on occasion or all the time, stop apologizing. One of the things partners find the most annoying is shame and apologizing after the quick squirt.[3] It happened. You didn’t try to make it happen and you’re not a terrible person…well, you may be...but not because of that. In a nutshell, don’t make it all about you.
[1] Read the Father Sergius story by Leo Tolstoy if you want to truly understand this reference…or me.
[2] Genesis 38:8-10
[3] Paul Joannides, Guide to Getting It On: A Book About the Wonders of Sex (Oregon: Goofy Foot Press, 2014), p. 731. This is a fantastic book with comprehensive detail and wonderful humor. Some Christians, though, may be put off by the range of topics, the voice, or the length.