Did you ever think about why you have sex? We seem to be able to break it down into two main reasons:
1. Your hormones drive it.
2. Your partner wants to.
If you both are in category one, schedule the countdown. If one of you is in category one and the other in two, well, that’s a normal situation.
Debby and I got married when I was between my sophomore and junior years in college. In the locker room after wrestling practice, a teammate said to me, “Wow, it must be great to be married, to get it anytime you want it.”
I asked him at our 35th class reunion what he thought of that comment now after 30 years of marriage. He just laughed and shook his head. We agreed it’s not quite as simple as “getting it anytime you want it.”
In marriage, one partner will always have a lesser libido, and it’s not always the woman. The person with less sexual drive has power, having the ability to withhold sex from the more motivated partner. Of course, the motivated one can badger, pout, and push to get his or her own way.
Jesus tells us how to behave in this situation, though none of us actually wants to obey. Jesus commands us to not strive for our own way but to give in love to one another. If both partners in a marriage are striving to give in love, beautiful things happen. Practice the discipline of not pushing to get your own way and experience the joy that follows.
Contemplate power and kindness in your sex life. What power do you have? How do you use that power? In what ways could you give up that power by acting with kindness? These questions challenge you in ways that can transform your life.
Even if resentment runs deep, forgiveness goes far to solve the problem resentment causes. Of course, there are people and situations from which you must flee. Jesus doesn’t tell us to be abused; he tells us not to be jerks.
I deal in more detail with anger or resentment in the chapter titled, “Aphrodisiacs: Who-ahh!” I’m fairly certain this will be the only sex book you come across that classifies forgiveness and the rest of the Fruits of the Spirit as aphrodisiacs. If the brain is the most important sex organ, the Fruits of the Spirit are the best aphrodisiac.[1]
Finally, if you are always feeling guilty about lack of sex drive, please don’t let my words pound you down. Turn to the Lord in prayer and ask God what you should do. It’s God’s direction you should follow.
[1] Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22).